First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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