and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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