Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
