dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
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She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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