our cab driver is having phone sex.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
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My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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