K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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