I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
