Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
