Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
