I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
