I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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