omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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