Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
