I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
