ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
