I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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