Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
