He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
