U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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