i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
