My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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