I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
