I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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