Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
