I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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