You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
