the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
we're making bets on your personal life
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
