I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
