There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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