if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
