How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
