so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
