mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
