Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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