Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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