I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
