I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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