Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
its liver damage thursday
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
