guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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