The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
