my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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