Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
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How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
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Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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