Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We need a shit load of segways right now
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
