just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
