How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
