Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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