we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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