I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
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downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
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I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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