Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
