i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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