i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
