So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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