my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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