I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
