I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
