What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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