Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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