I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
33 Sex Crazed People That Are Going Balls Deep
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
21 Family Members Confess The Creepiest Things They Know About a Relative
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room