goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
