I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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