My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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