I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
