sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
