What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
