I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
What a dumb baby whore.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just high enough for therapy.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
